Timothy Hale, Criminally Funny J6er
The Greatest Story Ever Trolled - or - Prosecution for Thought Crimes Under the Biden Regime
My name is Timothy Hale, or as I came to be known after January 6, the “Suit Nazi”. Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down:
Before January 6 I was a livestreamer and satirist. Being a lifelong internet troll was an art I relished in my private life. Professionally, I was a US Army administrator of 12 years, and was both a US Navy weapons contractor and union shop steward. As a union representative I had a large target on my back due to conflict with our company’s management. Upon returning from January 6, management informed NCIS and the FBI that I had been in DC on January 6.
On January 6 I had gotten off my overnight shift and went to the Capitol to hear President Trump speak. It would either be his last public speech as President, or it would be the beginning of an historic victory and second term. I went to the Capitol in a suit and tie. I bought brand new dress shoes the night before. Only an idiot would think I went to the Capitol to fight cops or overthrow the government. Common sense didn’t factor into the media coverage of myself nor the prosecution’s insane trial theories.
NCIS turned my friend and roommate of three years into an informant, who wore a wire to incriminate me, and the recording clearly demonstrated I had “no plan” for anything that happened inside the Capitol building or the grounds. A rational person would think this lack of mens rea (intent) should’ve precluded myself from getting charged, indicted, detained without bond, convicted, and over-sentenced. Apparently not. On the evening of January 15, 2021, on my way to the pet store, I was stopped on the road and swarmed by dozens of FBI and NCIS swat vehicles, dragged to the ground rough enough to tear flesh from my shins, and had automatic rifles shoved in my face without resisting arrest in the slightest.
Further, in cooperation with my crooked employers, trying to stifle my union activism, the feds took out of context jokes and four-year-old satire off my phone to build a narrative around myself being a violent white supremacist and/or neo-nazi, in particular a satirical selfie of me with a “Hitler mustache” from a year before January 6.
The problem with that is that I didn’t engage in violence on January 6 and I’m from a mixed-race family of New Jersey Puerto Ricans and Jews. Oops. This chink in the armor never got exposed during the time I spent incarcerated. While I was initially granted bond by a magistrate judge, a woman who was able to balance my lifetime of public service against my love of offensive memes, this was quickly overruled by my district judge. I fought for bond three times from the district judge to the appellate judges, and I was denied each time due to a confluence of ineffective counsel, lying prosecutors, and judges making rulings without any information contradicting the DOJ’s lies.
The prosecution withheld exculpatory evidence which could have challenged findings of dangerousness used to deny me bond. NCIS and my employers fabricated evidence and compelled coworkers to give damaging character statements in order to keep me detained without bond. Transcipts of recordings were altered or withheld to give the appearance I was planning sectarian conflict. And I was muted during bond hearings held over Zoom calls, unable to speak up for myself while watching a worthless public defender concede every argument to a prosecutor he admitted in private was his friend. My public defender would go on to do nothing asked of him, he confused me with Dominic Pezzola every time we spoke, and he spent 90% of his time on the phone ranting about how much he hated President Trump. He all but sabotaged my final bond appeal, after being told not to file while I was hiring new counsel, failing to make needed arguments and dooming myself to further detention.
Upon transfer to the jail in DC, aka the “DC Gulag”, I and others spent a year in solitary confinement. We were denied religious services. Denied visitation from family. Denied access to our evidence. I was often denied access to my new attorney, even during the week of my trial. We often lived with open sewage, drain flies, and black mold. I was denied healthcare, resulting in partial hearing loss from untreated ear infections. Absent basic nutrition, my martial physique vanished, and my body atrophied. Unable to access basic hygiene or grooming, my skin blistered, my teeth rotted, and I went without a haircut so long I became indistinguishable from a caveman.
Things got worse before getting better. I initially had petty misdemeanor charges upon arrest. After Biden’s inauguration, I was indicted. I was being charged with the novel 18 USC 1512 “Obstruction of an Official Proceeding” offense, which had never been applied to protestors interrupting a certification vote before January 6, and for good reason. 18 USC 1512 is actually a statute from the 1980’s, Tampering with Witnesses. A substatute was inserted in 2003, Obstruction of an Official Proceeding, in response to document destruction during the Enron scandal. The idea was to prevent tampering with evidence and obstructing Congress while engaged in a quasi-judicial inquiry. This statute made no sense being applied to January 6 protestors, given the historic treatment of both rioters and the certification vote.
The feds believed that by escalating their prosecution of January protestors, in a “shock and awe” campaign, it would scare Trump supporters from ever organizing again and it would break the will of defendants in pre-trial detention. The feds miscalculated. My captivity didn’t break me, it emboldened me. I galvanized other inmates to fight their cases and endure the psychological torture. Hearkening back to the closing of the Declaration of Independence, we pledged to each other “our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor”. Not everyone could live up to this standard, but those of us who could stuck together. And we fought like hell for our freedom, pushing the DC jail to respect our constitutional rights, studying case law daily, whatever the case may be.
I pushed nonstop for the right to a speedy trial and was denied my day in court for 16 months. Again, I spent those 16 months, that year and a half, in pre-trial detention, over nonviolent charges. I assaulted no one, I broke nothing, I stole nothing, I planned nothing. I meandered up from the Northwest scaffolding, into the opened Senate Wing Doors, wandered through the Crypt looking at statues, and literally danced inside the Capitol Visitor Center, and I conversed with the Capitol Police before being directed to leave the area. From my perspective it was the Metro PD who incited any riot by macing peaceful protestors and throwing flash bang grenades into the middle of crowds.
At trial I endured one of the most biased juries conceivable, composed entirely of federal government employees and leftists who felt personally slighted by my very existence. I was convicted without any proof of an intent to obstruct Congress. If January 6 didn’t doom me, it was the public smears against my character. Informants planted inside the jail with me were even planting hitpieces about me in NPR, right before my trial, which would also be cited at my sentencing. Prosecutors claimed I was a nazi mobster inside the DC jail, a yarn spun by “cooperating” inmates. At sentencing, after successfully arguing against a mountain of sentencing enhancements, my judge calculated that my sentencing range should’ve been time served at 21 months. However, despite showing the Court contrition, I still needed to be made an example of. I was sentenced to 48 months, over twice my sentencing guidelines.
After nearly two years of rotting in the “DC Gulag”, I was transferred to BOP custody and spent yet another year rotting in FCI Fort Dix, which is truly ironic because I’d spent years of my Army career working on Fort Dix and being told by fellow soldiers, I should apply for a security job on the “white collar” prison there. It wasn’t until my arrival to the federal prison, on the other side of the razor wire fencing, that I realized that “white collar” didn’t mean financial crimes. It meant unrepentant child rapists running facilities for the guards, illegal alien traffickers being hidden from the public eye, and zombified drug addicts openly smoking K2 and fentanyl. I stayed to myself and passed the time reading through the night and clowning around with the Puerto Ricans and Mexicans in my “dorm”. I bided my time.
Had President Trump not signed the First Step Act I might’ve spent longer in prison. It’s worth noting that, even if one believed the narratives about my character, it still wouldn’t have justified the sentence I received. Robert Keith Packer, the man who wore a "Camp Auschwitz" sweatshirt on January 6 and made it up to the next floor of the Capitol where Ashli Babbitt was shot, received a sentence of only 75 days for a misdemeanor. Kevin Seefried, the man who brought a Confederate flag inside the Capitol and notable for the Ohio Clock Corridor photoop, received a sentence of 36 months for the Obstruction of an Official Proceeding charge, and received early release pending the SCOTUS decision on said Obstruction charge. I, in a suit and tie, with a tiny American flag, was sentenced to 48 months for Obstruction of an Official Proceeding, and had my appeal frozen pending the SCOTUS ruling while forced to finish my sentence.
I lost my apartment. I lost my military career of over a decade, and thus my pension. I lost my union position and leadership role. I lost my freedom. I lost untold amounts of human contact, even intimacy. I lost my health. I lost reputation, and in a sense, my very name. The irony. To have lost years of my life over a fictitious felony statute which would be invalidated by the Supreme Court only after my sentence had been served. I’m still on probation after serving a sentence for a crime that doesn’t exist. Without 18 USC 1512, I have only misdemeanor charges related to January 6, and thus would no longer be a felon. Even after SCOTUS rules against 18 USC 1512, I will still bear the burden of going back to the district court for resentencing and theoretically being released from probation. I will hopefully regain my freedom of travel and will vote for President Trump for a third time.
But in truth, felony status or not, I am not so naïve as to not know that I will always have a target on my back. Snitches posing as internet sleuths will funnel crumbs of intel about benign behavior to handlers. Soy-sucking propagandists posing as NPR reporters will clutch at pearls any time I tweet. Feds posing as “fellow patriots” will try, and fail, to lure me into honeypots ad nauseum. And the feds will never stop watching me as either a national security threat, if they’re idiots, or as a potential mark, if they’re malicious (they’re both).
As disturbing as my story is, it’s hardly the most egregious. One could say I got off lucky with the treatment I received when there are still men languishing behind bars for manufactured crimes and convicted for atrocity propaganda. If this could happen to us, it could happen to anyone, as we’ve seen with the treatment of Steve Bannon and President Trump. An injustice to one is an injustice to all. An injustice anywhere is an injustice everywhere. Justice delayed is justice denied. The SCOTUS decision must come quickly, and the return of President Trump can’t come soon enough. To learn more about my journey through the morally inverted criminal justice system, follow me at https://x.com/LouisofMonmouth . #J6 #Fedsurrection